Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

_DSC0224I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

 

 

 

 

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