Please take a moment to understand depression is real. This isn’t me saying I want to kill myself but rather something that pushed me to move into really accepting who I was in a time where I really didn’t want to live with people anymore. Sometimes when dark time gets dark, suicide may feel like the only thing but a person only has himself or herself to get out of hurt. I constantly battle self-hate and low self esteem because of the following reasons:
Dear People of the world,
First thing I would say is to become a good person and stop assuming that people are going to understand you, even after they tell you they do. This means parents, family, friends… Here’s why I say this… I used to live a life of A LOT of PAIN which I carry onto now. In the past, I only wanted to live for myself and no one else but now I live for everyone else rather than myself. This causes me a good amount of hurt because I carry along hurt of my own thoughts as well and the suffering I am causing to a person. It feels like no one understands and everyone is sick of hearing the same shit. What is so hard to understand? A lot of people assume you are able to do certain things because of you age. My mom came to me today and told me you can handle the pain because your young but your dad, he can’t, he is old. EXCUSE ME MOM, NO I CAN’T HANDLE THE PAIN. MY BODY NOT ONLY WENT THROUGHT CHEMO BUT REFORMED ITSELF INTO THIS, but this time i’ll let that pass mom. I really love you… I love how you try but you get so scared of what’s to come. See, your life was robbed from you. At a young age, you were taken away from your country and told to marry a guy and you did.. not much more to it. Through that, you exploded, you cried, and broke down and got lost. I remember you telling me stories but at the end of the day you forgot the rest because you started to see the good in the ugliness….. Remember that one time, Mom? You saved my life right after we watched Mrs. Doubtfire because you learned how to do the Heimlech maneuver from the scene in the movie… I remember that day very vividly. You fainted right after the mint ball flew out.. all white because its red stripes had already wore off.
Today, I was told to forget and just give in because the other person couldn’t handle the stress. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF HEARING THAT SHIT. I BEAT CANCER & I HAVE BEEN CARRYING AROUND THAT PAIN FOR SO LONG. I am finally starting to see straight but people always assume that I’m a problem. Okay.. that’s fair to say BUT IF IM THE FUCKING PROBLEM THEN WHAT IS IT TO YOU WHAT I AM DOING…. I need to figure out a way on how to ISOLATE myself from other people’s worries and pain. It makes no sense why I need to always be involved in hurt. I have came to accept who I became. This crazy 26 y.o. kid with no sense of purpose. My father is in the ER because we both failed to choose to accept one another. I am supposed to give in because he can’t handle stress, but the other day the knife slit my wrist for the first time. See that’s the problem with society or people… we tend to assume that we don’t know what someone else’s pain brings or carries, when in fact we do, because we all feel that way and some of us just act on it stronger than others. So if this would be my suicide letter, it would be that this isn’t me giving up.. it’s just me not caring anymore about living in a world with people that don’t seem to understand or me just failing to understand it/them. I feel like I am in a prison of my own thoughts not really understanding life. Not being taught when to stop and always being giving. It’s kinda sad that I’m writng the complete opposite of a suicide letter now. I was given everything in life so why now do I WANT TO DIE!! But it makes sense because now at 26 y.o. when I’m not given anything, I explode. And when I try and figure shit out on my own I tend to always be a failure to people, because even when you tell someone please this is what hurts me and ask them not to do it, they do. Start to see the inner good of yourself in order to get you through the shit hole you’re in. With that my people, remain humble and safe in a place where at times God is forgotten and people are suffering.. Why add pain to a world that has been bleeding everyone’s sorrow. You are born alone to die alone in a world that just comes into existence that will soon never exist. This will all be over one day.. why live with anything other than love?
Posted in: cancer